Ocie Jean Caldwell-Barnes Program

GG you’re gone? No. No, not my GG. That’s all I’ve been saying these past days to stop me from thinking about it. That’s all I’ve been saying to myself to try and make it okay, make me okay. GG I know that you were trying to hold on for all the people you know and love. And I also know that sometimes God just has other plans. GG every time I cry I just think “Why MY GG” , but it feels better to know you’re not in pain. I stayed at your house everyday hoping you would get better, but when I stayed up at night and heard you just crying for help, my heart crumbled. My heart crumbled slowly from hearing you telling me and my Aunt Christen that your time is coming all the way to me sitting in your room with Aunt Sharon and hearing you say, “Lord, let me go.” My heart crumbled slowly telling me “Ok the time is coming Wendy” but when the time came all the prepping I had the past weeks flew out the window. Coming out of MY room to pray in a circle for you. After all of the events beforehand, I thought that maybe something just happened and that we would take you to the hospital. We got into the prayer circle and it only took the words “We’re gonna carry on her legacy” to finally burst the heart that had been slowly crumbling trying to hold on. It took those words to feel my heart actually be in tiny little pieces. I wanted to pass out when I heard those words, but I didn’t want to cause a scene during a prayer for you. You were my GG. If you gave me too long to think about it I might just ball out and cry. GG you were my spiritual guidance in life. I was with you every weekend to go to church with you. Walking past your car to see the mask in the car breaks my heart. “Wendy pull it together! It’s just mask in her car.” No, it’s the memories. Every morning before getting out the car to go in church “Do you have a mask?”, “I’m gonna wear this mask because it matches with my outfit”, or “Girl what have I told you about not having a mask?” Seeing your car makes me wanna break down every single time. We were always in that car to go to church, to go get food, and those long Tyler trips. Going to church with you and talking to you about the word Elder Henson preached about helped me to open up with God. You helped me open up with God. Talking to me and going into depth with me about scriptures. Now with you gone ,I can do all that with someone else but it’s not you GG. I’ve been listening to Gospel Music these past days. I remember when I couldn’t stand it because that’s all I would listen to in your car. But in the time being I’ve learned to love it. I’ve been trying to pray but every time l try to pray at night I almost cry. The most the lord could get out of me was “Oh Lord, help me!” I’ve been crying for help. GG do you remember when we used to pray when I was little and we would say “Now you lay me down to sleep? I pray the lord my soul to keep” and we would bless everyone in the family. I remember you didn’t want to say the rest of the prayer because you felt like it was jinxing death.

The night of your passing the cries I let out I’ve never cried like that before. I’ve never broke down and cried out of nowhere during the day , GG I miss you. I wish I could call you to tell you why I’m crying and you could tell me it’ll be okay. I wish I could crawl in the bed with you and watch Hallmark movies until I felt better. I play your voicemails at night when I think of you. I snuggle with your nightgown at night. I even sometimes just stare at your bedroom door thinking “She’s just out at an event she’s not permanently gone” but no, you’re sadly never gonna be physically here with me again. I wanted to let you know that I love you so much and Oh how much I’m gonna miss you…. Wendy